I was back out in the community but I came back haunted. Lithium and Risperidone were horrible drugs for me, I had a tremor both in my voice and physically. I struggled to even talk within a professional manner, as my voice broke constantly and my hand would often shake quite vigorously and uncontrollably. My stools were like explosions of a thick smattering. I also had dry orgasims, I complained constantly but the standard line of “the drugs take a while to get used to” always was the reply. Eventually I was transitioned to abilify, however I wasn’t on it long enough to determine if it worked or not.

After returning to work I was made redundant within a month. The company was downsizing and I was one of many. I don’t blame the company, I was without work and unable to hold a general conversation. However I was blessed, my direct boss felt horrible about the situation he was put in, and let me know that there was a chance of a contracting job down at the Gold Coast.

So I muscled up and made a call to their team manager and fought through a voice cracking to enquire about upcoming work. I passed along my CV and then stumbled through the interview process. I had worked on their network before and not many people had my skill set. Thus, luckily I was selected. For about the next six months I worked intimately in about a team of 10 with an American, Englishmen, Taiwanese fellow, Phillipinos and Australians. They were mostly first generation Australian with an age gap of probably 25 to 45. I timidly entered this grouple unknowingly what to make of everything. However, as I was studying International Relations at the time, I took it that this was also some sort of training ground, where I could be observed and manipulated by various members of international clandestine representatives in a controlled manner.

During this time I also lived with another gentleman that worked constant night shifts. So, during evenings and in the mornings I would go through my routine by myself.

This allowed the mind to wander as I sat out on my balcony and perused all the other high residential apartments that could be observing me from various vantage points. Living effectively by myself I would spend my weeknights by running into Surfers and back, while at the same time riding my pushbike into work. I was sleeping less and less reading “A Once and Future King” and “Ender’s Game”. My mood was never stabilised and I would empathise with the characters deeply meanwhile my psychosis, while it never really left, was starting to creep into the workplace.

A large part of my mental health illness is finding meaning in almost anything that I observe. I read into Ender’s Game, a story about a youth who was surveilled since infancy and selected to partake in military training. A key theme of the book was that the challenges faced by Ender kept on progressively getting difficult and more stacked against him, however he refused to concede and would always find a way. I reflected on my own youth, where I was psychologically tested as a child, and especially during my military training faced several progressively difficult tasks but refused to give up. From it I took that I was selected for some specific purpose and that I was being trained/groomed. For what I didn’t know. I was constantly looking for “clues” as to why this was happening to me, and for what purpose.

Another aspect of my illness is ‘ideas of reference’, that is noting or seeing repetition or simply symbols and drawing specific meaning from it. Often when referring to my observers/meddlers I would jokingly call them the illuminati whose symbol is an owl – This also is the symbol of TripAdvisor which is all over the Gold Coast.

One day the ex-english marine called out who wants $100 when some one enquired he said “ah it’s just some tripadvisor shit”. Another time Sofia and I came to the conclusion that 57 was our lucky number and the next morning as I rode to work taxi 57 drove past me.

Over the next few days things got progressively worse. I woke up one morning with a red dot in my vision that took some time to get rid of. That day at work one of my colleagues was pointing out a manhole that was flagged red to one of the Senior Engineers around the same time I was looking at Infrastructure upgrades along Ross St – I saw a relationship between the name of my father and the upgrade. I then became hyper vigilant about my work. Drawing some type of specific meaning between my own life and each upgrade required. During this time things got progressively worse, I believed that birds that hung around and lizards, were some sort of robots, observing me. I contemplated catching them and dissecting them, but never did.

Things culminated at the work Christmas party. Large amounts of alcohol were involved and each story that was told played into my psychosis in a narrative where I was unwillingly going through some sort of selection process. One mate told a story where he was an unwilling hero and prevented a fight. Empathising with the story, I made a bit of a scene and asked him how it felt being such a hero while spilling beer everywhere in a congratulatory manor. After that I kind of secluded myself and went on a bit of a journey through the grounds. As things were winding up I headed back to look for my mates but couldn’t find them.

When the time came I boarded the bus that was leaving the grounds and heading to Broadbeach. I saw my American mate on the bus and gave him a firm but friendly slap. From my perspective it was for leaving me – although from his perspective I am sure it was just another in an increasingly set of random events with me.

The bus dropped us off at the casino. I walked straight in and sat down at my first ever live money game of texas hold’em. I was out of it, sleep deprived, drunk and halfway into a psychotic stuper. But I had played a bit online and knew the basics.

I’m a tight player and remember receiving pocked queens and won the hand but threw my cards into the muck at the showdown forfeiting the winnings. Then I asked what happened to my money, to which I was informed I forfeited it. I heard the people next to me speculating as to what I might have had. Later I heard them speculating that the next hand would be bad for Kings, and, of course, I received pocket kings, the flop came up with nothing above king but a few cards of the same suit. I pushed my chips all in but another player in the hand protested that I couldn’t do that. After a bit of an argument I conceded but informed him I was going all in the next card. To which I did but a flush had been made by the protester and I lost my hand. I stood up and the dealer asked if I wanted to buy back in? I responded “No, I am going home to bed.”

But I didn’t go to bed, I went into Broadbeach downtown. Into a club where most of the people went after the party. I now thought that even the casino was in on the conspiracy and thus naturally I thought everyone at the club was also colluding against me. I continued hanging around though seeking to see anything that would reveal itself, I was taking the drinks off girls who were dancing with me. But after a while I figured there wasn’t much information to be gained there, so I made my way to Surfers.

On the way I passed a Chinese man that was writing in the sand. He smiled as I walked but I could not read what he was writing. I assumed it had some specific meaning, but it was not for me to know. At this stage I was also under the impression that myself and my surroundings were under surveillance at all times, so I took it that this writing would be understood by my observers.

As I continued on to Surfers I started messaging a uni mate from Nigeria, inviting him and his family for a lunch the next day.

While in Surfers I went to the Soul hotel. At this point, my conspiracy wasn’t completely persecutory in nature, there was also a grandiose aspect where I believed I was being groomed and that if I played my cards right I would be granted certain privileges. Thus, I suspected I might have a room at the hotel if I said the right things to the receptionist. Of course I was unsuccessful and moved on but before leaving, I observed some of the plants in the hotel. I was unable to discern as to whether they were real or not, so I took a bit of a leaf. It was real.

I decided not much was going on in Surfers and headed home. Once home I hit the bed and tried to get some sleep. But it was to no avail. The thought came to me that the plant was poisonous and that I was going to die. I rushed to the kitchen sink and started spewing by forcing my fingers down my throat. After this I couldn’t get much sleep so as dawn hit I wandered into Surfers again. Once there I had nothing else to do so I started cleaning up the place by picking up ciggarett buts.

After the sun was fully up, I set about getting ready for my visiting uni mate. My car was parked at the venue of the Christmas party, originally I was planning on riding my bicycle to go get it, but opted out at the last minute for a taxi ride. Reasoning to myself that if I was deserving of any of my grandiose beliefs I needed to start looking after myself.

At the end of the taxi ride when it came to the receipt the driver suggested I could sign “Mr X” if I liked. Up until that point I thought I was the centre of some vast conspiracy and constantly watched. However, with the title of Mr X I started to think I could do telepathy like the character Professor Xavier in the X-Men. And with that the creative mind wandered, and audible hallucinations started.

After getting in my car I headed to the local woolworths to buy food for the picnic that was planned for that day. The first people I practised my telepathy skill set with was my mother and brother. I assumed they were broadcasting from some radio type set up. They told me that they loved me and were proud of me and then continued to assist giving directions. There was also at a point, panic in my brother’s voice with him saying “I don’t know, this is our first time too”.

I don’t remember going home after this but apparently I did as when Sofia arrived at mine I was on a walk and she had to wait for me to come back. After arriving home, Sofia and I set out to pick up my uni mate and his family. At this point I started to feel increasingly persecuted and started driving erratically. Sofia obviously alarmed, talked me down, asked to park the car, where we talked for a bit and then she took over the driving duties instead. I don’t recall what happened next but apparently our plans changed, and we went to a pub for lunch instead of our planned picnic.

The next thing I recall was in the crown tower which has a rotational restaurant at the top. Sofia and I walked around the restaurant observing all of the coast from the ocean to the coastal high rises and out the back to the hinterland.

I took a big fiji bottle of water off the shelf and began surveying the scenes. A voice began to speak to me in my head, it identified itself as a high up military official informing me there was a fleet of chinese submarines off our shore ready to bombard and invade the coast and that they were currently surveying the Australian people to determine both their tenacity and worthiness of such a beautiful coastal strip.

I was instructed to go to a penthouse suite and to knock on the door, where I believed there would be Chinese officials to which I would talk to. I listened and Sofia and I went to the floor below the restaurant, but not before I was pulled up and asked to pay for the bottle of water.

Once on the level I went to knock on the door, but Sofia stopped me, enquiring why it was I wanted to knock on this door. I told her what I believed the situation was and what I believed was behind the door. However, she continued to insist that this was not my property and that it was not my place to knock on the door. At this came the realisation that I was Australian and that she was El Salvadorian, and that she would be a neutral party in any discussion that would ensue on the other side of the door.

So I tried to convince her to knock herself, however she continued to resist. After a while I accepted that no one would be knocking on the door this day and we took a long walk along the beach home and sat for a while. I tried to explain everything that was going through my head, Sofia kept on trying to convince me to get some sleep, but after a couple of days without sleep, with  a couple of weeks with very reduced sleep before that, I had come to the conclusion that I didn’t need sleep or worse that if I did go to sleep I would not wake up.

Eventually we went home, and joined my flatmate and his partner as they were having drinks on the balcony of the apartment. It was my father’s birthday so we invited him and my mother down for a birthday dinner. I wanted to go to an uptown chinese restaurant in the casino, as a form of peace reconciliation. As we waited for them to make the hour plus trip down from Brisbane, we had more drinks and I was offered a pill from my flatmate, I don’t know what it was, I didn’t ask, it could have been a multivitamin for all I knew.

But upon the arrival of my parents my delusions were getting more intense, when my parents arrived I cornered them in my bedroom and interrogated them, asking them a number of personal questions.

We were also in conflict as to where to go, my parents wanted to go to someplace low key and weren’t dressed for a nice night out. Eventually in frustration I stormed out of the house and started walking down the street screaming, I saw my parents reluctance as fear and I was screaming in defiance of any attack. In my mind I had come to the realisation that while Australians are stereotypically racist, we are good world partners and treat everyone equally and with love. So I started screaming out all the racial slurs I knew, in triumph believing that such people and nations would be the ones willing to defendus if push ever came to shove. My father came out after me and tried to pull me back onto the footpath to which I pushed him away and he fell over a short fence. It was not deliberate and at that point I was intent on keeping on  my screaming rampage. I moved into the street and a car stopped in front of me. I jumped onto its bonnet and the driver not knowing what to do moved a little, I slipped over and smashed the windscreen of the car. Thinking this was a good thing to do I moved further into the street looking for other cars to smash, a large pickup drove past and nearly ran me over, behind it was another car to which I ran and jumped shoulder first into the windscreen. Another car came travelling down the other side of the road at about 40 km/hr. I ran at it and smashed its windscreen. I proceeded walking down the street screaming I will take on anyone, I will fight anyone. A fella about my age came out of the second car I smashed and said I will take you. He tried to tackle me to which I flipped him on his back and was about to ground and pound him. At this point his girlfriend started screaming at me. I responded to her that this did not concern her and to get back in the car, she didn’t so I started counting to 3, however by the time I got there her boyfriend had returned to the car so she got back in. At this stage people started gathering and calling out the cops are coming. So I started to head away from my apartment through some football grounds towards the beach, a young fella came up beside me and asked me to walk with him for a bit, I did. He asked me where I was going and I responded to the beach, he told me that I wasn’t that bad of a bloke and that I was just going through some shit. I appreciated his escort and well being and he asked what my name was, to which I responded John. After this he wished me well and told me to start running. I ran to the beach, and then headed back up to my apartment. When I got there I was covered in blood and sand, I took a shower and Sofia wanted to know what had happened but when I started screaming again my mother took her away. By the time I got out of the shower, police were waiting in my living room. My father had led them there. With a police escort I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance.

I was admitted to the emergency department at Robina Hospital, the police stayed for a couple of hours and eventually I was given drugs to force me to sleep.

I woke up and it was daylight, on the window to my room was a poster which stated a number of things which are good for your health. Sunlight was one of them, thus I decided to go outside and get some sun. The staff weren’t too pleased about this and tried to stop me, however I just ignored them. A sole short female security guard was on duty at the time and she tried to grab me. I pushed her away and when she got in my way, I quickly pushed her backward with open palms on each shoulder. When she still wouldn’t move I screamed at her in my head that I would hit her. At this she moved out of the way, further reinforcing my belief I could communicate telepathically. Once outside I lay on the footpath and bathed in the sun. After a few moments a team of security guards came out, I told them to go away and that I was just bathing in the sun. They tried to pick me up and carry me away to which I struggled kicking and flailing and ended up breaking one of the security guards ribs. Eventually they subdued me and I was given a shot in the ass. While the rest of the team went to prepare the isolation room the remaining security that had me pinned, put my right hand in a wrist lock. It was extremely painful and I thought that I was going to lose the use of my dominant hand, but I did not want to give the security guards any satisfaction. I resisted the urge to scream or to flail by telepathically talking to old girlfriends in my head and stroking the concrete gently with my left hand imagining it was them. Eventually the guards released me and I could tell they were somewhat impressed at my pain tolerance, a small victory for myself.

I woke up at the GCUH PICU and was eventually shifted to Robina, my hospital stay was relatively uneventful and I was discharged a month later on an monthly olanzapine injection. It took a couple of months until I got full feeling in my right hand however.

After my hospitalisation I headed full steam back into work, working through the weekends in order to get the project done by its required delivery time. The bloke I was living with kicked me out, but this wasn’t such a bad thing as Sofia and I also started going steady after the hospitalisation, so we moved in together in a garage out the back of a share house in Southport.

The olanzapine injection was a better drug for me, it caused rapid weight gain, and I had a hard time waking up. But a lot of my symptoms and social anxiety was gone, in comparison to what I experienced on the other drugs. I no longer talked with a tremor or had shaky hands, a lot of this however I attribute to being in a setting that I was accustomed to.

I remained at work the next 6 months and Sofia and I graduated from uni together. After the completion of her studies Sofia, as part of scholarship, had to leave the country and she returned home. With the project over, my work was complete. I had saved a nice sum of money so I decided to leave the country as well, partly for a holiday, partly to join Sofia overseas, and partly to get away from the treatment order that I had to comply with.